The Lost Knight

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The 4 Ladies

I am a borderline 25 year old male, who has lived most of his life big metropolitan cities. So, this should not come as a surprise that I have had my fair share of adventures but I am not here to talk about adventures today. Today I want to talk about the 4 ladies that changed my life, whether it was for good or for bad only time will tell.

Lets start with lady number 1, Mademoiselle D and from here on referred to as D. She was the one who can described as the woman who taught me how the heart flutters. It was what you can describe as the fleeting love. I had known her since the first day at school, we studied together for the first 3 years of our schooling but then as fate might have it, we went our separate ways and met again after 4 years in the same school. We were once again classmates. The D I had known was long gone, she was now blossoming into a woman and what a lovely woman she was going to be I could only imagine. Without having the slightest of hint, my heart started to flutter whenever I used to see her, this was a new feeling for me which I had never experience before. I liked this feeling, I liked a lot. We studied together again for the next 5 years in the same class, never even uttering the slightest of words to each other about how we felt about each other, we were friends, the bestest of friends and I guess we were too scared to harm this in anyway. Though as fate my have it, we screwed up big time and I am now a friend short in this world. Many years later we got talking again and realized we used to feel the same way about each other and have tried to tell it to each other many a times but just couldn't muster up the courage to do so.

Now comes the lady number 2, Mademoiselle J and from here on referred to as J. She was the kind of friend without whom life is incomplete. We started studying together from 2nd class onwards, we hit off straight away, she was the partner in crime to most of the pranks and stupidity I used to do. This went on and on and she became an integral part of my life. The long telephone conversation, hanging around, et al. We knew it all about each other. She even tried to hook me up with Mademoiselle D on several occasions but again fate being the son of a bitch it is, she moved away when we were in class 9th only to return an year later but not being able to get admission in the same school as mine because of the stupid board examinations. At this moment I was not aware of her return, it had been an year since I even heard her voice. Things were going on and so was life but to my utter surprise, on my birthday I reach home back from School and I find a fabulous pen in my bag, I wondered where it came from. So it turns out after a lot of research that it was from J who had asked D to put it in my bag. I still treasure that pen, till date. So, after a shit load of persuasion and begging D told me that J was back in Delhi and agreed to give me her number. I called her immediately. We had the best conversation ever. So, it turned out that before going away she had called me a lot of times and that explained all those blanks call I was getting. I asked her what was it that she wanted to say. She refused to tell me but being the clever fuck I am, I told her that its my birthday today and you cannot deny me anything. She told me she had feelings for me and that she liked me. So over the phone just like that I got the best birthday gift ever, my childhood best friend was now my girlfriend. We had the best time then onwards, talking everyday etc etc etc. But being the arse I am , I just like that said I love you to her, I didn't had those feelings but just wanted to know what those words meant. It changed it all, I forgot for once she was a girl and what an assholish move this was on my part. I went along with it for a while but before the end of the year, I decided that it is not at all the right thing to do and hence I confessed everything to her. See, you need to to realize something here how complicated this was. J and D were best friends. J was in a relationship with V before she moved away, V was my best friend and to top it all D liked V. Sounds confusing? Ask me, it sure as hell was. V and D got together, J lost D and V and had only me. There was a lot of blood being drawn between us. So, I did the most assholish move of confessing it all to her that I didn't feel that way and the likes because in all honesty, I could have went on with it but she deserved someone special. I was just messing with her. She didn't talk to me for some months but later things got better. But it has been over 5 years now since I last talked to her. I miss her a lot but c'est la vie. It was all my fault and till date I wonder what can I do to make it correct.

Next came the woman number 3, Mademoiselle K and hence forth referred to as K. She was one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen with the kindest eyes and the golden brown hair with those oh-so-cute gold rimmed oval spectacles. It was pretty in all the senses. I fell for her right away. Things started between us quite awkwardly. We were sitting together in the class one day and out of the blue I asked her just kidding only that whether she would like to go out with me. To my utter surprise and disbelief, she said yes. For a moment I thought she said no and kept pursuing her and after a while she said what in the fucking hell is wrong with you, I already said yes!!! So there I was after a day with a new story of my colorful life. This all had happened immediately after the entire incident with J and being with her was a nice feeling as there was no distance. I had even told joking before I asked her out to J, that I am going to ask her out when she was fighting with me. So, I had her, the kindest person I have ever met in my life with the most wonderful voice ever. Things were going fine. We had our class 10th board exams, then the hiatus before the storm came with all the shit in the universe once you enter class 11th Science stream. Things are just as fucked up as possible and life ceases to exist. So initially I was able to find time and spend it with K every morning before classes start and in the lunch time and then after school, but soon due to the workload and the likes, things faded out. I gradually lost her and till date I don't have any recollection when and why did we finally started not seeing each other. She found another guy and I found Classical Mechanics to fuck and Calculus to spoon with every night, oh and just in case if you are wondering there was organic chemistry for the morning wood. And thus the chapter with K came to an end.

Finally I am going to talk about the woman number 4, Mademoiselle A and hence forth referred to as A. She was the one with whom I was beyond crazily in love. Words cannot fathom describe my feelings for her. She joined my school in 11th class. For the next 2 years we were barely sitting 10feet apart 10 hours a day, 5 days a weeks, 52 weeks an year but I didn't had the courage to talk to her. She was what I refer to as a Demigod. Tall, athletic, dark brown hair, greenish blue eyes and the most flawless skin. She was just perfect and way too out of my league. Just to make things more awesome, she was at the same couching classes as me, hence all the more opportunity to see her. Just to make it clear we never even said Hi to each other but I kinda started having a crush on her. A was perfect and splendid. 2 years later I decided that enough is enough its now or never. Just to be a little cheesy I called her for the first time in my life on valentine's day on my way to the coaching classes. We talked, she said she had to go and will be back in a while and we can message in the night and hence our nightly routine started. We got into each other and just like that we realized we clicked together pretty well. The first time I thought I had any chance of winning her was when we went to get our roll numbers for our final examinations in class 12th and she came out of her way to say bye to me. We used to meet at our board exam center and had the night long sms exchange going on which was more like a ritual and daily practice now. Finally in the middle of the examinations I asked her if she can be all mine, and to the utter surprise she said yes. This was a turning point of my life. So gradually we became very close and things went on perfectly but as the mother fucking son of a bitch fate might have it, she moved away for studies, far far away, we still made it work but 4 years down the line things ended, to put it mildly not in a civilized manner. It has been 3 years since but till date if we get together we are a house on fire and leave no stone unturned to make each other crazy, maybe that is what attracted us towards each other. She is the one that I truly loved till this date and she is the one that taught me all in my life.

So, why all this rant going, well because whatever and whoever I am today, these 4 ladies have been quite instrumental, they taught me a lot about life. My parents were at their place in teaching me about life but these women are the ones who taught me about love, hate, commitment, affection, attachment and the likes. I couldn't have asked to have any other women but these as the 4 ladies in my life. I am much more matured and wiser and realize what went on in here. These women made a better man out of me and I respect and am in gratitude to them for life.

I have tried a lot to set things straight with all of them. J refuses to talk now even she was talking to me after all the shit I did but why not now, is beyond me. D is not the woman she used to be. K, well I have been trying to locate her for years now but she has disappeared or so it appears. And as for A, well I guess she is still not mature enough to realize her part of the fault and meet mid way as well as the fact that the feelings were too strong to let go and things were not at their best when it all ended. I have lost the 4 ladies but I would love to have them back. They are the most important women in my life.

Looking back, I can easily see my mistakes and what an asshole I was at times, especially with J and I cannot express it as to how many times have I tried to apologize to her. Out of the 4 ladies, A has been the most special one and will always be but K has been the one about whom I always keep wondering, what if we were together because I don't know till date what it could have been.

Also, so it appears it has been tough love all the time but I sure do hope 5th time is going to be a charm or else it will make for another great blog entry.

PS: Those who know the women I am referring to may please forward them to this page to read about them and give me their feedback.

"Real love? it's when you go through the hard trials of trust & sacrifice, but you still wake up every morning falling in love all over again" - Anonymous

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dating 101

A lot has been said about the rules of dating, the hows, the whats and the whys but here I am just going to put a compilation of some very basic rules of dating that have over the years saved the lives of a few lost souls including but not limited to me.

1. So what is the first rule of dating, well friends its "the law of creepiness". The name justifies it all, this law states the minimum and the maximum age that your potential date can possess. This is like the golden band when it comes to dating, anything below or above these age limits directly come into the category of being creepy. Here is the law for you:

Minimum age of the potential date = ┌(your_age)/2 + 7┐

Maximum age of the potential date = └your_age + 7┘

Always keep these ages in mind the next time you hit on someone.

2. The basics being said, we have with us the second rule of dating. This rule is called "the hibernation". What exactly is the right time to jump and look for a girlfriend not just a fling after getting out of a relationship? Well, the rule is pretty simple to state:

The number of months between 2 relationships should be not less than the number of years you were in the earlier relationship. Before this golden period, all chance meetings should be treated as flings.

This is really important to follow because this period help us get over with the "pain" of the previous relationship and thus lets us be very hungry when we are out of hibernation.

3. We now move to the third rule of dating, this rule is called the "the just degrees of seperation". This rule is very useful in determining which female falls in the awkward zone. Awkward zone can be defined as the zone where in the probability of you meeting your ex with the newbie and her gang of friends is greater than 75%. To avoid this always follow a simple rule of thumb:

Before you ask her out for that all important date and plan on having that marathon sessions, talk to her, I mean talk to her about where she is from, what she is doing, her past and her interests etc. This gives you 2 great advantages, firstly, you are going to come across as the guy who actually "listens" to a girl when she is talking to her; secondly, you can from her responses judge the hot spots where you might have the high probability of meeting your ex or better still to verify whether by any indirect twisted game of fate she knows her or her close group of friends.

This my dear friends is the rule of the just degrees of separation. Always swear by it to avoid the awkward meetings.

4. Here, we have with us the fourth rule of dating. This rule is called "the lets hangout together syndrome". After you start dating someone, chances are he/she in the end is going to ask you hangout with his/her friends for a drink, movie, party etc, you get the point. No, here the problem we have is how to decide whether its time to hangout with the extended circle. This is very simple and as follows, you can hangout with a friend of your current person of interest after you solve the following equation:

Hangout_with_friends=

1. Yes; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)>0)

2.No; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)<0)

This is a very basic rule and should help you stay clear of a lot of crazy encounters.

5. Now, here we have the fifth rule that we all have been waiting for. This is the rule of "the hungry lion". Dear readers, do not get confused by the title of this rule, this rule is basically to let you know after how much time you can unashamedly indulge yourself in the carnal needs of a human being. This rule gives you the window after which you can just straight away go and pleasure yourself and your partner hopefully and this is a part of being together and not an added perk. The rule is as follows:

The time after which you can go and unashamedly assume that satisfaction of your carnal needs is an inherent part of your relationship instead of being a perk you earn or a bargaining power that she has is directly proportionate to the length of your previous relationships as well as the number of previous relationships both of you had. This can be shown as a very elegant equation which gives you the number of months of wait as follows:

$\omega_\mathrm{d} = \omega_0 \sqrt{1 - \zeta^2 }\,$

Where, ζ = 1/(Average_length_of_previous_relationship_in_months), ω₀=9/(Number_of_relationships_before_this_one), ω_d= Minimum time before assumption.

An exception to this rule is for those people who are getting into their first relationship. For them

ω_d = 48/((Your_age)-3)

This rule should always be kept in mind and strictly adhered to.

6. Now, we move on to the sixth rule. This is the rule of "how I met her parents". Remember always, don't ever give into meeting the parents just because she is driving you mad about it, always remember she could one of those crazy eyed monsters who might have planned a ritualistic sacrifice ceremony to make you her's for the next seven lives the day she met you. So, needless to say, this rule is of extreme importance. The rule is a bit complex and is stated as follows:

The perfect time to meet her parents is nothing but a Gaussian function which can be defines as follows:

$f(x) = a e^{- { \frac{(x-b)^2 }{ 2 c^2} } }$

Here x is your age, a = 71.4285714, b = Amount of time you have been going out with her and c = average of the age of you 2. (Please take ages to upto 3 decimal points for averages and for x as well as for duration of relationship)

If f(x) > 50, then it is the time or else we need to wait.

Trust me guys, this rule is going to make life as easy as it can be.

7. Finally, we move on to the last rule of dating, this is the rule of "the knight in shinning armor". So, you are going out with her and you have done it all and have gone through the gradual progress of things. You have met the friends, met the friends, had your marathon sessions, so when does one seals the deal? There is needs to be a time when you can take the final, oh for eternity till death do us apart kinda step. This is the real big deal and there is no easy way to put this rule. The rule goes as follows:

The right amount of time you need to be in a relationship before you get that shinning rock and be the knight in shinning armor riding on a horse depends on the length of your relationship, you and your partner's age as well as the number of previous relationships both of you have had. This function can be described as:

f(x,y,z,t) =

1. x²-y²-4(zt)²; if x>y

2. y²-x²-4(zt)²; if x<y

3. x²+y²-30(zt)²; if x=y

Where, x=age of guy, y=age of girl, z=number of relations both of you have had, t=amount of time you have been in a relationship. Please bear in mind that all time lengths are in years, correct upto 3 decimal places.

If f(x,y,z,t)>0, then its time to do the deed or else you need to stop for a while.

I hope that mankind is going to make good use of this wisdom that I have gathered over ages from the wise ones this world has produced. In case you feel any doubt, please drop in a comment and we can discuss it.

May the rules be with you.

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives" - Richard Bach

Monday, November 7, 2011

The band that wasn't...

Once upon a time there was a group of friends whose favorite hobby was to get drunk and discuss the world affairs. The same happened one day but that day they discussed music and what a night it turned out to be. They had heard a lot about how girls swoon over the likes of Backstreet Boys, NSync et al and the latest addition being Justin Beiber. Well, so they decided it was time to take things in their own hands and give India its first boy band and give the girls an opportunity to swoon on the ghar ka maal. Hence on that fateful night they sat down to right a song, a song that would have changed the history of Indian music but alas, when they got up in the morning all they had with them was a big bloody hangover and a tissue paper with words scribbled on it.

For all the ladies reading this I present the "song" to you and let the anonymous boy band bask in its glory. So here it goes (Do leave a comment to "appreciate" the band, this will be their Emmy):