Tuesday, June 5, 2012
I am a borderline 25 year old male, who has lived most of his life big metropolitan cities. So, this should not come as a surprise that I have had my fair share of adventures but I am not here to talk about adventures today. Today I want to talk about the 4 ladies that changed my life, whether it was for good or for bad only time will tell.
Lets start with lady number 1, Mademoiselle D and from here on referred to as D. She was the one who can described as the woman who taught me how the heart flutters. It was what you can describe as the fleeting love. I had known her since the first day at school, we studied together for the first 3 years of our schooling but then as fate might have it, we went our separate ways and met again after 4 years in the same school. We were once again classmates. The D I had known was long gone, she was now blossoming into a woman and what a lovely woman she was going to be I could only imagine. Without having the slightest of hint, my heart started to flutter whenever I used to see her, this was a new feeling for me which I had never experience before. I liked this feeling, I liked a lot. We studied together again for the next 5 years in the same class, never even uttering the slightest of words to each other about how we felt about each other, we were friends, the bestest of friends and I guess we were too scared to harm this in anyway. Though as fate my have it, we screwed up big time and I am now a friend short in this world. Many years later we got talking again and realized we used to feel the same way about each other and have tried to tell it to each other many a times but just couldn't muster up the courage to do so.
Now comes the lady number 2, Mademoiselle J and from here on referred to as J. She was the kind of friend without whom life is incomplete. We started studying together from 2nd class onwards, we hit off straight away, she was the partner in crime to most of the pranks and stupidity I used to do. This went on and on and she became an integral part of my life. The long telephone conversation, hanging around, et al. We knew it all about each other. She even tried to hook me up with Mademoiselle D on several occasions but again fate being the son of a bitch it is, she moved away when we were in class 9th only to return an year later but not being able to get admission in the same school as mine because of the stupid board examinations. At this moment I was not aware of her return, it had been an year since I even heard her voice. Things were going on and so was life but to my utter surprise, on my birthday I reach home back from School and I find a fabulous pen in my bag, I wondered where it came from. So it turns out after a lot of research that it was from J who had asked D to put it in my bag. I still treasure that pen, till date. So, after a shit load of persuasion and begging D told me that J was back in Delhi and agreed to give me her number. I called her immediately. We had the best conversation ever. So, it turned out that before going away she had called me a lot of times and that explained all those blanks call I was getting. I asked her what was it that she wanted to say. She refused to tell me but being the clever fuck I am, I told her that its my birthday today and you cannot deny me anything. She told me she had feelings for me and that she liked me. So over the phone just like that I got the best birthday gift ever, my childhood best friend was now my girlfriend. We had the best time then onwards, talking everyday etc etc etc. But being the arse I am , I just like that said I love you to her, I didn't had those feelings but just wanted to know what those words meant. It changed it all, I forgot for once she was a girl and what an assholish move this was on my part. I went along with it for a while but before the end of the year, I decided that it is not at all the right thing to do and hence I confessed everything to her. See, you need to to realize something here how complicated this was. J and D were best friends. J was in a relationship with V before she moved away, V was my best friend and to top it all D liked V. Sounds confusing? Ask me, it sure as hell was. V and D got together, J lost D and V and had only me. There was a lot of blood being drawn between us. So, I did the most assholish move of confessing it all to her that I didn't feel that way and the likes because in all honesty, I could have went on with it but she deserved someone special. I was just messing with her. She didn't talk to me for some months but later things got better. But it has been over 5 years now since I last talked to her. I miss her a lot but c'est la vie. It was all my fault and till date I wonder what can I do to make it correct.
Next came the woman number 3, Mademoiselle K and hence forth referred to as K. She was one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen with the kindest eyes and the golden brown hair with those oh-so-cute gold rimmed oval spectacles. It was pretty in all the senses. I fell for her right away. Things started between us quite awkwardly. We were sitting together in the class one day and out of the blue I asked her just kidding only that whether she would like to go out with me. To my utter surprise and disbelief, she said yes. For a moment I thought she said no and kept pursuing her and after a while she said what in the fucking hell is wrong with you, I already said yes!!! So there I was after a day with a new story of my colorful life. This all had happened immediately after the entire incident with J and being with her was a nice feeling as there was no distance. I had even told joking before I asked her out to J, that I am going to ask her out when she was fighting with me. So, I had her, the kindest person I have ever met in my life with the most wonderful voice ever. Things were going fine. We had our class 10th board exams, then the hiatus before the storm came with all the shit in the universe once you enter class 11th Science stream. Things are just as fucked up as possible and life ceases to exist. So initially I was able to find time and spend it with K every morning before classes start and in the lunch time and then after school, but soon due to the workload and the likes, things faded out. I gradually lost her and till date I don't have any recollection when and why did we finally started not seeing each other. She found another guy and I found Classical Mechanics to fuck and Calculus to spoon with every night, oh and just in case if you are wondering there was organic chemistry for the morning wood. And thus the chapter with K came to an end.
Finally I am going to talk about the woman number 4, Mademoiselle A and hence forth referred to as A. She was the one with whom I was beyond crazily in love. Words cannot fathom describe my feelings for her. She joined my school in 11th class. For the next 2 years we were barely sitting 10feet apart 10 hours a day, 5 days a weeks, 52 weeks an year but I didn't had the courage to talk to her. She was what I refer to as a Demigod. Tall, athletic, dark brown hair, greenish blue eyes and the most flawless skin. She was just perfect and way too out of my league. Just to make things more awesome, she was at the same couching classes as me, hence all the more opportunity to see her. Just to make it clear we never even said Hi to each other but I kinda started having a crush on her. A was perfect and splendid. 2 years later I decided that enough is enough its now or never. Just to be a little cheesy I called her for the first time in my life on valentine's day on my way to the coaching classes. We talked, she said she had to go and will be back in a while and we can message in the night and hence our nightly routine started. We got into each other and just like that we realized we clicked together pretty well. The first time I thought I had any chance of winning her was when we went to get our roll numbers for our final examinations in class 12th and she came out of her way to say bye to me. We used to meet at our board exam center and had the night long sms exchange going on which was more like a ritual and daily practice now. Finally in the middle of the examinations I asked her if she can be all mine, and to the utter surprise she said yes. This was a turning point of my life. So gradually we became very close and things went on perfectly but as the mother fucking son of a bitch fate might have it, she moved away for studies, far far away, we still made it work but 4 years down the line things ended, to put it mildly not in a civilized manner. It has been 3 years since but till date if we get together we are a house on fire and leave no stone unturned to make each other crazy, maybe that is what attracted us towards each other. She is the one that I truly loved till this date and she is the one that taught me all in my life.
So, why all this rant going, well because whatever and whoever I am today, these 4 ladies have been quite instrumental, they taught me a lot about life. My parents were at their place in teaching me about life but these women are the ones who taught me about love, hate, commitment, affection, attachment and the likes. I couldn't have asked to have any other women but these as the 4 ladies in my life. I am much more matured and wiser and realize what went on in here. These women made a better man out of me and I respect and am in gratitude to them for life.
I have tried a lot to set things straight with all of them. J refuses to talk now even she was talking to me after all the shit I did but why not now, is beyond me. D is not the woman she used to be. K, well I have been trying to locate her for years now but she has disappeared or so it appears. And as for A, well I guess she is still not mature enough to realize her part of the fault and meet mid way as well as the fact that the feelings were too strong to let go and things were not at their best when it all ended. I have lost the 4 ladies but I would love to have them back. They are the most important women in my life.
Looking back, I can easily see my mistakes and what an asshole I was at times, especially with J and I cannot express it as to how many times have I tried to apologize to her. Out of the 4 ladies, A has been the most special one and will always be but K has been the one about whom I always keep wondering, what if we were together because I don't know till date what it could have been.
Also, so it appears it has been tough love all the time but I sure do hope 5th time is going to be a charm or else it will make for another great blog entry.
PS: Those who know the women I am referring to may please forward them to this page to read about them and give me their feedback.
"Real love? it's when you go through the hard trials of trust & sacrifice, but you still wake up every morning falling in love all over again" - Anonymous