Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dating 101

A lot has been said about the rules of dating, the hows, the whats and the whys but here I am just going to put a compilation of some very basic rules of dating that have over the years saved the lives of a few lost souls including but not limited to me.

1. So what is the first rule of dating, well friends its "the law of creepiness". The name justifies it all, this law states the minimum and the maximum age that your potential date can possess. This is like the golden band when it comes to dating, anything below or above these age limits directly come into the category of being creepy. Here is the law for you:

Minimum age of the potential date = ┌(your_age)/2 + 7┐

Maximum age of the potential date = └your_age + 7┘

Always keep these ages in mind the next time you hit on someone.

2. The basics being said, we have with us the second rule of dating. This rule is called "the hibernation". What exactly is the right time to jump and look for a girlfriend not just a fling after getting out of a relationship? Well, the rule is pretty simple to state:

The number of months between 2 relationships should be not less than the number of years you were in the earlier relationship. Before this golden period, all chance meetings should be treated as flings.

This is really important to follow because this period help us get over with the "pain" of the previous relationship and thus lets us be very hungry when we are out of hibernation.

3. We now move to the third rule of dating, this rule is called the "the just degrees of seperation". This rule is very useful in determining which female falls in the awkward zone. Awkward zone can be defined as the zone where in the probability of you meeting your ex with the newbie and her gang of friends is greater than 75%. To avoid this always follow a simple rule of thumb:

Before you ask her out for that all important date and plan on having that marathon sessions, talk to her, I mean talk to her about where she is from, what she is doing, her past and her interests etc. This gives you 2 great advantages, firstly, you are going to come across as the guy who actually "listens" to a girl when she is talking to her; secondly, you can from her responses judge the hot spots where you might have the high probability of meeting your ex or better still to verify whether by any indirect twisted game of fate she knows her or her close group of friends.

This my dear friends is the rule of the just degrees of separation. Always swear by it to avoid the awkward meetings.

4. Here, we have with us the fourth rule of dating. This rule is called "the lets hangout together syndrome". After you start dating someone, chances are he/she in the end is going to ask you hangout with his/her friends for a drink, movie, party etc, you get the point. No, here the problem we have is how to decide whether its time to hangout with the extended circle. This is very simple and as follows, you can hangout with a friend of your current person of interest after you solve the following equation:

1. Yes; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)>0)
2.No; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)<0)

This is a very basic rule and should help you stay clear of a lot of crazy encounters.

5. Now, here we have the fifth rule that we all have been waiting for. This is the rule of "the hungry lion". Dear readers, do not get confused by the title of this rule, this rule is basically to let you know after how much time you can unashamedly indulge yourself in the carnal needs of a human being. This rule gives you the window after which you can just straight away go and pleasure yourself and your partner hopefully and this is a part of being together and not an added perk. The rule is as follows:

The time after which you can go and unashamedly assume that satisfaction of your carnal needs is an inherent part of your relationship instead of being a perk you earn or a bargaining power that she has is directly proportionate to the length of your previous relationships as well as the number of previous relationships both of you had. This can be shown as a very elegant equation which gives you the number of months of wait as follows:

\omega_\mathrm{d} = \omega_0 \sqrt{1 - \zeta^2 }\,
 Where, ζ = 1/(Average_length_of_previous_relationship_in_months), ω0=9/(Number_of_relationships_before_this_one), ωd = Minimum time before assumption.

An exception to this rule is for those people who are getting into their first relationship. For them  
ωd = 48/((Your_age)-3)

This rule should always be kept in mind and strictly adhered to.

6. Now, we move on to the sixth rule. This is the rule of "how I met her parents". Remember always, don't ever give into meeting the parents just because she is driving you mad about it, always remember she could one of those crazy eyed monsters who might have planned a ritualistic sacrifice ceremony to make you her's for the next seven lives the day she met you. So, needless to say, this rule is of extreme importance. The rule is a bit complex and is stated as follows:

The  perfect time to meet her parents is nothing but a Gaussian  function which can be defines as follows:
f(x) = a e^{- { \frac{(x-b)^2 }{ 2 c^2} } }
 Here x is your age, a = 71.4285714, b = Amount of time you have been going out with her and c = average of the age of you 2. (Please take ages to upto 3 decimal points for averages and for x as well as for duration of relationship)

If f(x) > 50, then it is the time or else we need to wait.

Trust me guys, this rule is going to make life as easy as it can be.

7. Finally, we move on to the last rule of dating, this is the rule of "the knight in shinning armor". So, you are going out with her and you have done it all and have gone through the gradual progress of things. You have met the friends, met the friends, had your marathon sessions, so when does one seals the deal? There is needs to be a time when you can take the final, oh for eternity till death do us apart kinda step. This is the real big deal and there is no easy way to put this rule. The rule goes as follows:

The right amount of time you need to be in a relationship before you get that shinning rock and be the knight in shinning armor riding on a horse depends on the length of your relationship, you and your partner's age as well as the number of previous relationships both of you have had. This function can be described as:

f(x,y,z,t) = 
1. x2-y2-4(zt); if x>y
2. y2-x2-4(zt); if x<y  
3. x2+y2-30(zt); if x=y

Where, x=age of guy, y=age of girl, z=number of relations both of you have had, t=amount of time you have been in a relationship. Please bear in mind that all time lengths are in years, correct upto 3 decimal places.

If f(x,y,z,t)>0, then its time to do the deed or else you need to stop for a while.

I hope that mankind is going to make good use of this wisdom that I have gathered over ages from the wise ones this world has produced. In case you feel any doubt, please drop in a comment and we can discuss it.

May the rules be with you.

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives" - Richard Bach

Monday, November 7, 2011

The band that wasn't...

Once upon a time there was a group of friends whose favorite hobby was to get drunk and discuss the world affairs. The same happened one day but that day they discussed music and what a night it turned out to be. They had heard a lot about how girls swoon over the likes of Backstreet Boys, NSync et al and the latest addition being Justin Beiber. Well, so they decided it was time to take things in their own hands and give India its first boy band and give the girls an opportunity to swoon on the ghar ka maal. Hence on that fateful night they sat down to right a song, a song that would have changed the history of Indian music but alas, when they got up in the morning all they had with them was a big bloody hangover and a tissue paper with words scribbled on it.

For all the ladies reading this I present the "song" to you and let the anonymous boy band bask in its glory. So here it goes (Do leave a comment to "appreciate" the band, this will be their Emmy):

Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love
I dont know why, when I saw you for the first time...
My heart...skipped a beat
Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love

Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love
I dont know why when we held hands together
My heart was beating faster than ever
And I knew it we were destined
Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love

Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love
I dont know why but I miss you every night
You are so far away yet you are next to me
Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love

Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love
In the end all I want to say is
That I will hold, I will talk to you...
I will take you with me forever and show you this world
Give me love, baby just give me, give me love
Only love baby, give me love

"Music can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable" - Leonard Bernstein

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Leaving a mark

I apologize in advance if anyone is offended with this post...this is just pun on how things shape our lives

I guess everyone in this world wants to leave a mark wherever they are before they have to go in different direction. That is just normal human psyche. They want that mark to be present so that someday down in the future when they come across those people, they should be greeted by..."well hello their...I remember, you are the person who did that and what a marvellous feat it was, it’s been so many years and I still remember you."

Well, when I reached the final year of my college life (I mean graduation college, post-graduation is hardly any college), I realized I need to do the same. It had been 4yrs since I have been these people and yet I am pretty sure that they know my name but cannot associate anything with me that will years down the line remind them of me.

So, here I was with a couple of months to go when I decided it was now or never and considering the go-getter I was, I saw an opportunity coming my way. And for the uninitiated it was THE FAREWELL.

Well, this generation old tradition where you get all mesmerized by the thoughts of the people whom you hardly know but yet you feel so nostalgic, so chocked up that you want to just go to them and profess your undying love and gratitude to them.

But I chose a different path. See, the thing is that I never was much in my college. I was always outside it, traveling to the lands far and beyond to meet the love of my life (that story some other day). By the time I reached the final year, there were some issues and the love of my life was no longer the love I could savor. So it was time for me to look for new avenues to share the love I had in my heart with others but mind you the love of my life still remains the same.

Then at this junction and with all the thoughts I had in my mind regarding leaving a mark, I had this god sent opportunity of the FAREWELL.

The big day arrived. There I all clean shaved and groomed ready to take on the world. I set in motion that day with my partner in crime, a guy who initiated me into many worlds hidden from the common man. The two of us set of to the party in a car driven by me borrowed from a friend. We reached the venue a little earlier than anticipated. So the 2 dudes were sitting in the car with black tinted mirrors, a woofer in the trunk and music at the top with a sutta (that’s the Indian slang for Cigarette) on our lips.

When finally we entered the venue we were so going to rock the night (evening to be precise). There what started as a harmless and fun time turned into something really really out of the world.

At this premise moment entered 1 NRI. So, as a gesture of our love to each other we started to get each other and our entourage drunk, and trust me it was a big ass entourage of ours. 

We started by offering shots to each other, one after the other and then another like there was no tomorrow, like we were the wounded knights of a battle royale trying to keep the pain down by intoxicating ourselves. First there was me and the NRI who were going flat out, then we had another guy join in, then another NRI joined in, then my partner in crime from before joined in, then the balding ass of the batch joined in and lastly a girl tried to join in but just couldn't keep up.

We started from whiskey-on-the-rocks, thought it was a waste of a time so moved to vodka shot, very soon we were out of vodka(no joking true story...all thanks to us), so we moved to whiskey shot. Being the generous souls our hosts were, they procured more bottles of vodka. By the time these arrived, we were all in pretty shabby conditions but as Shakespeare once said, the show must go on. So, we took the bitter bullet and decided to drink more.

The bartender was a lazy ass so we decided to tend to the bar on our own. We stole the bottle of vodka and 2 shot glasses.

So, people let me tell you, this is where I am going to show you how I left my mark!!

Armed with the bottle of vodka and 2 shot glasses, I moved to the forbidden grounds of the female territory and offered them a shot at their tables. Some were brave enough to give it a "shot" while others chickened which I thought I graciously accepted.

This was phase 1 of my leaving the mark program, for phase 2 I moved onto the dance floor. With the bottle of vodka in one hand I started dancing on the dance floor. But soon I realized this will not make a mark sufficient enough for eternity, so I quickly moved to the phase 3.

I went to the DJ, asked for the mic and asked him to stop the music, this is when the party was in full bloom and everyone I guess was dancing.

Now this is how the phase 3 started, I started to talk on the mic but soon realized that I suck and being the spontaneous guy I am quickly adapted myself and voila...there I was, drunk out of mind on the dance floor with around 70 people around me...and I did the unfathomable...I started to sing and sung a song that you are not supposed to sing....I started to sing HERO by Enrique Iglesias (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU&ob=av2n) at the top of my voice and I sung as fall...

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh oh please tell me these
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight?

I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away....

And the last words You can take my breath away really did take it away and thus started the final phase in my quest for leaving a mark...

In this phase a lot of things happened...I sang the last words and passed out completely and fell flat on my back while singing those last words. After this started 3-4 hrs of puking and making a mess everywhere.

This was followed by 6guys trying to carry me out of the club which was followed by being passed out for another 10hrs which was followed by guzzling 3litres of water on waking up.

And there I was thinking I had finally left my mark on these people. But alas! to my surprise on Monday, I had my walk of shame in the lecture hall, the tales of valour and bravery were being sung in full flow with the tiniest of details with varying accounts coming from varying sources.

Some said I held a girl's wrist and tried to dance with her and some other said I was naked and they saw things which they were not supposed to see, while some others said that someone was trying to take pictures of a crazy me. Till date I haven’t seen the proof to collaborate to those claims but I still basked in my glory of making and leaving a mark all in a span of a few hours.

You all must be thinking that now the story ends but guess what my happiness was very short lived. Soon there started the accounts of another person trying to leave a mark and he...my dear friends...he had surpassed me...I was nowhere even within a million miles to him.

That particular fellow managed to do the unbelievable and remarkable feat. A feat I had never heard before and till date I have not seen that feat being recreated.

That fellow was not only able to pass out(I did that too), puke(I did that too), show the world the hidden secret of his bodies(I did that too) but was also able to do the unthinkable...he was able to shit while being passed out. And this is not where it ends, what I have been told from the eyewitness account there were times that all the holes in his body were giving the world back what they have taken from the world.

But what a courageous knight he was. He showed up in the lecture hall and to mock the world wore a t-shirt stating "SHIT HAPPENS". And thus all my effort and planning went down the drain and I guess his commitment overpowered mine and he came out of the night as the shining star.

What I learnt from this particular experience was either you can leave a positive mark or a negative one, no matter which one you leave the world will remember you but also I learnt that if you want to leave a negative remark, the competition is far more fierce than in case of a positive one.

So, I guess I was not able to leave a mark but well only time will tell if it happened or not. I am no one to declare it today. So, I guess I need to keep trying and try harder and make sure this time before I complete my post-graduation, I surely leave a mark.

"Wit is often a mask. If you tear it you will find either genius irritated or cleverness juggling" - Kahlil Gibran

The story begins...

This is going to be my attempt at sharing the stories of life that I have gathered over the course of my life which trust me can blow you away.

If you think this is going to be some man's (yes thats what I am, long gone are the days of being called a boy) take on life and trying to teach you the finer prints of it...think again. Just to give you a highlight of my life, these are a few pointers and mind you its just been 24 yrs since my existence:

  • Shot in the leg
  • Mauled by the goons
  • Taken hostage by someone's father
  • Traveled to the opposite end of the country without a train ticket, standing for 32hrs and traveled back just the same way the very next day just because I was in the wrong got damn city
  • Changed 6 cities in a span of 12months
  • Earned and blown away every bit of it
  • Got to see a pretty nasty KLPD while in Europe
  • Drove overnight on my bike and then back again the next day because...well lets just say I got carried away
  • Organized the party of my lifetime after getting placed
  • Lived in PARIS ;)
  • Gave the ride of his life to a particular friend on my birthday
  • Attended the best universities in India and Europe
  • Fell in love, got out of love and then fell in love all over again...and that too with the same person
  • Went from being the nerd king to the bohemian explorer all in a span of a few months and a few bottles of Old Monk
  • Finally, dressed up as a girl to make a certain someone smile...and yes there are still pictures of that night
So, if you think even after knowing these things that its going to be an ordinary journey, well think again.

Keep on checking out the page, the story has just began but always remember that I am not here to teach or impart wisdom, I am here just to share some tales with you all. There is a lot to come and a lot more for me to experience.
Keep living.

"Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe