The Lost Knight: 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dating 101

A lot has been said about the rules of dating, the hows, the whats and the whys but here I am just going to put a compilation of some very basic rules of dating that have over the years saved the lives of a few lost souls including but not limited to me.

1. So what is the first rule of dating, well friends its "the law of creepiness". The name justifies it all, this law states the minimum and the maximum age that your potential date can possess. This is like the golden band when it comes to dating, anything below or above these age limits directly come into the category of being creepy. Here is the law for you:

Minimum age of the potential date = ┌(your_age)/2 + 7┐

Maximum age of the potential date = └your_age + 7┘

Always keep these ages in mind the next time you hit on someone.

2. The basics being said, we have with us the second rule of dating. This rule is called "the hibernation". What exactly is the right time to jump and look for a girlfriend not just a fling after getting out of a relationship? Well, the rule is pretty simple to state:

The number of months between 2 relationships should be not less than the number of years you were in the earlier relationship. Before this golden period, all chance meetings should be treated as flings.

This is really important to follow because this period help us get over with the "pain" of the previous relationship and thus lets us be very hungry when we are out of hibernation.

3. We now move to the third rule of dating, this rule is called the "the just degrees of seperation". This rule is very useful in determining which female falls in the awkward zone. Awkward zone can be defined as the zone where in the probability of you meeting your ex with the newbie and her gang of friends is greater than 75%. To avoid this always follow a simple rule of thumb:

Before you ask her out for that all important date and plan on having that marathon sessions, talk to her, I mean talk to her about where she is from, what she is doing, her past and her interests etc. This gives you 2 great advantages, firstly, you are going to come across as the guy who actually "listens" to a girl when she is talking to her; secondly, you can from her responses judge the hot spots where you might have the high probability of meeting your ex or better still to verify whether by any indirect twisted game of fate she knows her or her close group of friends.

This my dear friends is the rule of the just degrees of separation. Always swear by it to avoid the awkward meetings.

4. Here, we have with us the fourth rule of dating. This rule is called "the lets hangout together syndrome". After you start dating someone, chances are he/she in the end is going to ask you hangout with his/her friends for a drink, movie, party etc, you get the point. No, here the problem we have is how to decide whether its time to hangout with the extended circle. This is very simple and as follows, you can hangout with a friend of your current person of interest after you solve the following equation:

Hangout_with_friends=

1. Yes; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)>0)

2.No; if((Length_of_their_friendship - Length_of_your_relationship)<0)

This is a very basic rule and should help you stay clear of a lot of crazy encounters.

5. Now, here we have the fifth rule that we all have been waiting for. This is the rule of "the hungry lion". Dear readers, do not get confused by the title of this rule, this rule is basically to let you know after how much time you can unashamedly indulge yourself in the carnal needs of a human being. This rule gives you the window after which you can just straight away go and pleasure yourself and your partner hopefully and this is a part of being together and not an added perk. The rule is as follows:

The time after which you can go and unashamedly assume that satisfaction of your carnal needs is an inherent part of your relationship instead of being a perk you earn or a bargaining power that she has is directly proportionate to the length of your previous relationships as well as the number of previous relationships both of you had. This can be shown as a very elegant equation which gives you the number of months of wait as follows:

$\omega_\mathrm{d} = \omega_0 \sqrt{1 - \zeta^2 }\,$

Where, ζ = 1/(Average_length_of_previous_relationship_in_months), ω₀=9/(Number_of_relationships_before_this_one), ω_d= Minimum time before assumption.

An exception to this rule is for those people who are getting into their first relationship. For them

ω_d = 48/((Your_age)-3)

This rule should always be kept in mind and strictly adhered to.

6. Now, we move on to the sixth rule. This is the rule of "how I met her parents". Remember always, don't ever give into meeting the parents just because she is driving you mad about it, always remember she could one of those crazy eyed monsters who might have planned a ritualistic sacrifice ceremony to make you her's for the next seven lives the day she met you. So, needless to say, this rule is of extreme importance. The rule is a bit complex and is stated as follows:

The perfect time to meet her parents is nothing but a Gaussian function which can be defines as follows:

$f(x) = a e^{- { \frac{(x-b)^2 }{ 2 c^2} } }$

Here x is your age, a = 71.4285714, b = Amount of time you have been going out with her and c = average of the age of you 2. (Please take ages to upto 3 decimal points for averages and for x as well as for duration of relationship)

If f(x) > 50, then it is the time or else we need to wait.

Trust me guys, this rule is going to make life as easy as it can be.

7. Finally, we move on to the last rule of dating, this is the rule of "the knight in shinning armor". So, you are going out with her and you have done it all and have gone through the gradual progress of things. You have met the friends, met the friends, had your marathon sessions, so when does one seals the deal? There is needs to be a time when you can take the final, oh for eternity till death do us apart kinda step. This is the real big deal and there is no easy way to put this rule. The rule goes as follows:

The right amount of time you need to be in a relationship before you get that shinning rock and be the knight in shinning armor riding on a horse depends on the length of your relationship, you and your partner's age as well as the number of previous relationships both of you have had. This function can be described as:

f(x,y,z,t) =

1. x²-y²-4(zt)²; if x>y

2. y²-x²-4(zt)²; if x<y

3. x²+y²-30(zt)²; if x=y

Where, x=age of guy, y=age of girl, z=number of relations both of you have had, t=amount of time you have been in a relationship. Please bear in mind that all time lengths are in years, correct upto 3 decimal places.

If f(x,y,z,t)>0, then its time to do the deed or else you need to stop for a while.

I hope that mankind is going to make good use of this wisdom that I have gathered over ages from the wise ones this world has produced. In case you feel any doubt, please drop in a comment and we can discuss it.

May the rules be with you.

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives" - Richard Bach

Monday, November 7, 2011

The band that wasn't...

Once upon a time there was a group of friends whose favorite hobby was to get drunk and discuss the world affairs. The same happened one day but that day they discussed music and what a night it turned out to be. They had heard a lot about how girls swoon over the likes of Backstreet Boys, NSync et al and the latest addition being Justin Beiber. Well, so they decided it was time to take things in their own hands and give India its first boy band and give the girls an opportunity to swoon on the ghar ka maal. Hence on that fateful night they sat down to right a song, a song that would have changed the history of Indian music but alas, when they got up in the morning all they had with them was a big bloody hangover and a tissue paper with words scribbled on it.

For all the ladies reading this I present the "song" to you and let the anonymous boy band bask in its glory. So here it goes (Do leave a comment to "appreciate" the band, this will be their Emmy):